Costa Rica isn’t a country that elicits the idea of glorious pints of beer. It will never be Germany, Ireland, or Belgium in that regard. However, as a hot Central American country with a fair amount of coastline, it absolutely conjures the desire to sit in a beach chair with your feet in the sand and a cold one in hand.
Malacrianza by Costa Rica’s Craft Brewing Company
As much as I love scotch and Scotland, Scottish ales have never really been on my beer radar. I don’t care for pale ales and slapping the term “Scottish” on something isn’t necessarily going to be enough to convince me to give it a go. But I’m here to try new beers, so I gave Malacrianza a shot.
- Country: Costa Rica
- Type: Scottish Ale
- ABV: 6.0%
The Bottle & Branding
All of the Costa Rica Craft Brewing beers that I tasted were on draft and I wasn’t able to see the taps. Therefore, I’m not able to review their bottling & branding. Since I’m trying to be consistent, I’m going to come up with some completely random ideas for what I imagine they look like!
This beer probably has the most “muy guapo” bottle in history. It might not even be a bottle. The beer might just be delivered via divine intervention. You see a ray of light and suddenly the beer appears in a tall glass in front of you.
Malacrianza sounds like the kind of guy who would steal your girl and you’d just sit there confused as to why you weren’t angry at him for it. Say it to yourself in a Spanish accent. Doesn’t it sound ruggedly handsome and way more charming than you are? Yup. It’s basically the Salt Bae of beer. As for taste, it follows suit. It’s deep, smooth, and in your face. The creamy finish is reflective of how smoothly Malacrianza struts out of the bar with your lady in tow. Beer Rating Score: 7.5
The BeerAndaBackpack Beer Rating Scale:
10: This stuff is made of unicorn smiles and the best song in the world. There is nothing superior in any galaxy.
9: Did I just become Batman? Because drinking this will LITERALLY make you Batman.
8: When you’re a kid and it’s Christmas morning and you actually get exactly what you want, that’s this beer.
7: I could drink a paycheck’s worth of these beauties and still not get a hangover.
6: It tastes pretty good. I’d buy this beer for home consumption.
5: This is beer. That’s it, it’s just beer.
4: Something isn’t quite right here. Is somebody watching me? Do I have lettuce in my teeth?
3: Awesome, yeah, I wanted to spend the next 12 hours with my face in a toilet reviewing the contents of my stomach.
2: This “beer” is the equivalent peeing your pants while giving an important work presentation and finding out your significant other is sleeping with your best friend…at the same time.
1: Falling into a nest of Bullet Ants would be preferable right now.
0: Kill me. Now.
Drowning your sorrows when your girl leaves you for that smooth, exotic bastard! Or you can use it to boost your own sexual magnetism and overall machismo. After a few of these glorious brews, you start to become more charming, confident, and handsome. So, drink up and go get your girl back, you handsome devil! Or better yet, go pick up a more beautiful, intelligent, and worldly lady and forget all about that floosy you were dating…you know, old “what’s her name?”
*Calculated out of 100% based on how bad I think I will feel after a night of drinking only this beer.
35% – medium level of regret
This beer is heavy and flavorful which equals great drinking but a rough hangover. This is the kind of hangover that comes with the usual symptoms coupled with a lump in your stomach like you ate one too many plates at Thanksgiving dinner. You’re glad you did because it was delicious, but the aftermath is not a pleasant experience.
Disclaimer: Don’t be stupid. Follow all local laws and don’t act like a drunken idiot. Drink responsibly!